The Problem
You meet a guy and he seems perfect. He likes romantic walks in the forest. He thinks you are funny. He sends you thoughtful email messages. He is handsome and charming. He just seems like "the one". But, then, a few little things begin to nag at you. Some of his behaviors seem different than you have experienced with other guys. You begin to suspect that he is still married... or maybe at least dating someone else.
Almost immediately, you begin to feel a sense of guilt. Am I being sensitive and suspicious? Is he just a private person and I am doubting him for nothing? Still -- the strange behaviors persist and you can't shake the feeling that something is wrong.
The History
In the olden days, women tended to date men who had a connection to them. If a guy asked a girl out on a date, she usually knew him well enough to know his true marital status. If she didn't, she often just needed to do a little digging to find out that his dad worked with her dad or his wife was friends with her cousin. She had a frame of reference. A simple phone call was often enough to find out the truth.
But, today's world of disconnected people and online dating makes it very hard to tell if a man is married -- very hard. Few women want to be the home wrecker or the relationship destroyer. Even less women want to fall in love with a man only to find that he can never be committed to her or treat her the way she deserves.
The Solution
The "Is He Married/In Another Relationship" Test
Before you start this quiz, you may want to get a piece of paper and write down your answers. This will make scoring easier at the end. For each question, write the letter and the number of your answer (B2, C4, etc.).
A. Did you meet him online?
1. Yes
2. No
B. If you met him online, did he have a picture ON HIS PROFILE?
1. Yes. There was at least one very clear picture of him without sunglasses
2. Yes, but it was fuzzy or he was wearing sunglasses.
3. No
C. Does he have a facebook page?
1. Yes. He lists his status as in a relationship with me.
2. Yes. He lists his status as single.
3. Yes. But he doesn't have a status listed.
4. Yes. But, I don't know what it says. I am not on his page and his profile is hidden from non-friends.
5. No.
D. What is the distance between your houses?
1. Under 10 miles
2. 10-20 miles
3. 20-40 miles
4. 40-80 miles
5. Over 80 miles
E. How open has he been about his last serious relationship?
1. He has told me the entire story of why they broke up and her name.
2. He has not told me all the details, but gave me an overview of the reasons why it happened.
3. He doesn't want to discuss it.
4. Other/It never came up.
F. Has he introduced you to his close friends?
1. Yes. I went to a party and met most of them and their wives/girlfriends
2. I have met many of the guy friends.
3. I have met one or two friends.
4. No
G. Have you ever been to his house?
1. Yes. I spent the night there and left some of my stuff in a drawer.
2. Yes. I have stayed the night, but none of my stuff is there.
3. I have been there, but I never spent the night.
4. I know his address, but I have never been there.
5. He never told me his address.
H. Has he ever called you on a weekday from 6:00 pm - 7:30 pm (besides calling you on his way home from work) and talked for more than 15 minutes?
1. Yes
2. No
3. We have never talked on the phone more than 15 minutes
I. When does he MOST OFTEN meet you for dates?
1. On lunch break
2. On weekday evenings after work
3. On Friday or Saturday nights
4. Saturday or Sunday during the day
5. Another time
J. How many times has he canceled a date within an hour of when you had planned to meet?
1. Never
2. Once
3. Two - four times
4. More than four times
K. If you would like to make plans two weeks in advance for a Saturday night, how would he react?
1. He would say that Saturday nights are usually difficult for him.
2. He would say that he doesn't like to make plans that far in advance
3. He would consider it, but not make any firm plans.
4. He would say, "absolutely yes" and pencil it in his calendar.
L. When he takes you to a restaurant, how does he pay?
1. He doesn't pay. I pay.
2. He puts it on his credit card or debit card
3. He pays in cash most of the time.
4. He always pays in cash.
5. He has never taken me to a restaurant.
M. Does his phone ring when you are together and he looks at the phone, but doesn't answer it?
1. Yes. It happens often.
2. Yes. It has happened a time or two.
3. No. That has never happened.
N. Has he ever suggested that the two of you spend an entire weekend together?
1. No
2. Yes -- he took me on a business trip.
3. Yes -- but only out of the area
4. Yes -- in the area or a mix of out and in the area
O. Have you ever been on a date at a place within 15 miles of his house?
1. No
2. Yes
SCORING
Scoring for this test is based on "red flags" and "green lights". Red flags are odd behaviors that single men do not often do. If your man is doing several of these behaviors, it is likely that he is married or at least dating someone else. Some red flags are more severe of a concern than others. For each red flag, ADD the number of points listed for that response. (So, if it says, B3 - 5 points, add five points to your total score).
Green lights are behaviors that married men are very unlikely to do. These are things that risk him getting caught or would be difficult for someone to do without arousing suspicion from his wife. For each of these behaviors, you can SUBTRACT one point from the score. The other responses are neutral and you just ignore them.
Here are the red flags (ADD POINTS):
A1 - 1 point
B2 - 1 point
B3 - 10 points
C3 - 1 point
C4 - 8 points
C5 - 5 points
D3 - 1 point
D4 - 5 points
D5 - 8 points
E3 - 5 points
E4 - 1 point
F4 - 5 point
G5 - 5 points
G4 - 3 points
G3 - 2 points
H2 - 5 points
H3 - 5 points
I1 - 3 points
I2 - 3 points
I4 - 1 point
J3 - 3 points
J4 - 5 points
K1 - 5 points
K2 - 3 points
L1 - 1 point
L3- 1 point
L4 - 5 points
L5 - 3 points
M1 - 5 points
O1 - 8 points
Here are the green lights. (SUBTRACT POINTS)
C1 - 5 points
C2 - 3 points
C3 - 1 point
D1 - 1 point
E1 - 3 points
E2 - 1 point
F1 - 5 points
F2 - 3 points
F3 - 1 point
G1 - 5 points
G2 - 4 points
H1 - 3 points
I3 - 3 points
N4 - 5 points
N3 - 3 points
Total Score
Below 0 - He certainly isn't married and probably not seeing someone else. If he is seeing someone, he certainly isn't living with her and she is the "other woman" -- not you. He may just be a commitmentphobe or a distant guy.
1-10 - He is likely dating someone else, but it may not be serious.
10 - 25 - He is likely at least dating someone seriously. At the very least, he is a crappy boyfriend.
25 and over - He is probably married or living with a girlfriend
